Hello! Yesterday I posted on my Instagram story that I recently bought a Light phone. Several people then reached out asking for me to update them on this journey. I thought, perhaps I should create a space where I can discuss this topic further as I transition from using a smartphone to a ‘dumb’ phone. This is that. I’ll be switching the sim card from my iPhone to the Light phone tomorrow.
whyyyyyyy ((>.<))
I am addicted to my phone in every way, shape, and form. I know I’m not alone in this, I see it everywhere I go. I’ll try not to speak for others in this struggle, because I know each person has their own relationship to technology. But, it’s hard not to notice the lack of consciousness in places I wish there were more connection. I want to sit on a train and make eye contact with the cutie across from me without feeling like I need to tap on my phone for a sense of safety. To what? Look at the time? The blue light numbs any excitement and this simple act instantaneously removes any chance of vulnerability or connection that I claim to so desperately crave. It’s my escape when unpleasant emotions arise.
I want my time back. I want to research and read books and be intentional about my art and develop a deeper understanding of myself and my patterns. What are my values? How do I want to exist in the world and how can I seek to understand those around me? In other words, I’m tired of thinking about myself so much.
My phone is my own little world, removed from reality, cultivated by algorithms that I will never fully understand. That scares me. Reality is magic. I don’t want to live in the matrix. I want to be here and now. “Look up”, says the maestro. Stop staring at your music. It is your crutch and your legs work just fine. Use them.
My phone is my comfort. It’s my convenience. It’s my quick fix at finding connection and intimacy. It’s my instant gratification. It boosts my ego. I use it for attention. None of this is inherently negative. Humans need comfort and connection and community and for the most part, our phones offer an easy solution to this. However, I want to relate to my humanness differently. In a way that values slowness, and presence. I want delayed gratification and small stepping stones to the other side of the pond.
It’s easy. It’s convenient. It’s America!!!!!!!
I’m hoping I will tap into the spirit world that I so easily become numb to when I am staring at a screen for too long. I hope I will write and play music for a purpose that is pure and compelling. I hope I will care less about what I look like. I hope I will feel my feelings more. I hope I will learn to not compare myself so much. I hope I will be quicker to trusting myself. I hope I will move through the world with more intention and compassion.
This will take time. And I don’t think my phone is the direct source of my lack in these areas. However, I do think it adds salt to almost every wound. Nothing in our societal values lends itself to approach a way of living that tells convenience to fuck off. My biggest hope is that in challenging convenience, I will step into a more fulfilling version of my life.
In every action, you can ask yourself “Am I doing this because I want to live? Or because I want to die?” It sounds extreme, but it really isn’t. I struggle with self-sabotage and self-hatred. I pick up my phone to escape the darkness of those emotions. I’d rather disassociate than allow myself to feel the feeling. I pick up my phone because I do not want to be human. I pick up my phone when I don’t want to live.
But couldn’t this all be solved with self control/discipline? …Maybe. There are so many solutions to everything I am pondering here. I don’t think I’m right, or wrong, everything is so gray, and I’m sure you will see fallacies in my logic. That’s the beauty of this, right? To take a stance, and then learn from it. It’s all experience.
I am a tad scared for the loneliness I may encounter at first, I do suppose there will be a detox period before there are fruit to bear. In fact, there are many fears I have, and I will try to create space for any outcome. I could talk about this forever and ever, it seems. I’ve been wanting to try this for a few years now.
Please reach out or comment if you have any thoughts.
Peace and love. I’ll give another update after a week or two.